An Unfortunate Misstep

[Claire]

Since the forum is closing soon, I'm migrating my stories to Archive Of Our Own (AO3) and Literotica. Read the story here:

• An Unfortunate Misstep (AO3)

Please support the story by leaving a kudos on AO3, thanks!

[LaLia]

The English name Leah is pronounced the same as my own. It's funny and the story starts off with a smile.

Very detailed and well-written, and while I've often criticized your stories for being a bit softer, this one isn't, and it's interesting to read something different. I like stories with a lot of plot and complex characters, but I also like a simple story that's quick to read.

While reading the story, I kept thinking it was the ex, because it was immediately noticeable that he didn't give himself away with words.

[Blue]

I think this story is very well written. A typical home rape, the kind I often imagine.
Because it describes the perspectives of both the victim and the perpetrator, it's easy to empathize with both.
The description of the actual crime also seems quite authentic to me. At least I couldn't find any logical errors.
Please, more of this!

[Claire]

@LaLia I'm glad you liked it. I usually try to evoke a sense of brutality with the descriptions of what's happening and less so with the actions themselves. But @Mister X for example told me in the past that he liked the emphasis put on the physical struggle in this one. Maybe you and him have similar tastes. I remember having doubts whether the back and forth of Leah's escape attempts and Marvin grabbing her and holding her back would have that nice flow I imagined it to have. I'm still not entirely sure whether this worked 100%, but I do like that Marvin's assault did not go as smooth as he imagined. I think that part holds up nicely.

@Blue I appreciate the kind words. I will probably not write stories like this again. Most of the time when I write something, I want to explore a certain idea and once I have done that, I usually have little interest in revisiting that same idea. This here is, in my opinion, the weakest story I ever wrote and whatever appeal it had for me at the time is mostly gone by now. But never say never, maybe I could whip up something like this again for the right contest?

[Blue]

@ Claire:
Warum ist das deiner Meinung nach deine schwächste Geschichte? Ich finde sie besser als einige andere, die du hier oder auf RavishU gepostet hast.

[Claire]

@ Claire:
Why do you think this is your weakest story? I think it's better than some others you've posted here or on RavishU. (Translated from German by DeepL)

Interesting question. Let me be extremely critical of this story, more than I ever would be of anybody else's story. That will be fun.

Let's begin with the title. I think it's ok. It makes you wonder what that misstep might be that it is talking about and after reading the story you obviously do understand what it refers to. But it is just a cheap hook without any deeper meaning. It's a simple mystery box that loses its pull once you understand what it is about. It's better than some very generic rape fantasy titles like "Leah's torment" or "The taking of Leah", but nothing special either.

Similarly, the secret of the identity of the rapist is also just a cheap mystery box to keep the reader guessing who it might be without any deeper meaning behind it. It might pull you in for the first time you are reading this but it is nothing special that stays interesting once the secret has been revealed. It's a cheap narrative trick without substance.

The characters are barely fleshed out. Leah might be a bit more detailed in her characterization than the average victim in a rape short story but calling her a particularly memorable character would be a bad joke. That is even more true for the rapist who is as one note and cliché as it gets.

Then I would say that the climax of the story lacks a proper build up. It lacks any significant emotional impact and has no thematic tie ins with well... anything. It's a bit boring, very generic. And that leads probably to the biggest weakness of the story overall: It is completely forgettable. Stories like this exist a dime a dozen, there is nothing unique about this. It is the one story I wrote where I tend to forget what names I came up with for the characters. Whereas I believe that most stories I wrote could be easily identified as a Claire-story by someone with a careful eye and some familiarity with my writing, I don't believe this to be the case for this story. You might be able to identify it as being written by me by the formatting of the dialogue, but by the writing itself? I'm not so sure.

If I have to give the story credit for something, it is the use of the mirror. First, it is used early on when Leah stands in front of it, then it shatters in her struggle with her rapist and it comes back in the end when he steps on the shard that ultimately reveals his identity. I think that works quite well, it feels like the story is coming full circle there.

So what is this story? Fast food. Tasty, maybe? But there is nothing to it beyond the fleeting moment of consumption. Nothing to think about, no emotional gut punch to recover from, no unique idea that was explored, no moments that stick out in particular.

It is hardly fair to compare this short story to my longer stories, but even if you just compare it to You and It's okay, I feel a little lonely, too. which are short stories of a similar length in English, the difference in quality is glaring. These stories have better writing, characters, relevant themes, proper build up for the climax, memorable moments and a unique identity. They are certainly more demanding, harder to digest if you want to stick with the food metaphor, and thus less accessible maybe? But they are superior in almost every way.

[Lucius]

@Claire first had Leah assaulted, then assaulted her own story! :D There are seeds of Men at War in the characters of Marvin of Leah. The woman's lucky Marvin hadn't find that particular men's rights activist group!

[Claire]

@Claire first had Leah assaulted, then assaulted her own story! :D There are seeds of Men at War in the characters of Marvin of Leah. The woman's lucky Marvin hadn't find that particular men's rights activist group!

Who knows who I am gonna assault next!

Interesting that you see the connection to Men at War. The day after I had finished this one here, I started writing Men at War.

And Leah being lucky that she didn't get to meet the Men at War guys? Come on, those are so nice! Don't you remember how sweet Elizabeth was at the end of that story? I'm sure they could have mediated between Leah and Marvin. Maybe even her ex could have been a part of that "conversation".

[Lucius]

And Leah being lucky that she didn't get to meet the Men at War guys? Come on, those are so nice! Don't you remember how sweet Elizabeth was at the end of that story? I'm sure they could have mediated between Leah and Marvin. ...

Yep, they have quite a few long, thick 'mediators' -- and they aren't afraid to use 'em!

[SoftGameHunter]

It's funny. Even before the end, I was thinking to myself, this guy is leaving a lot of DNA evidence around. He'd better hope none of his ever makes it into a national database, ever. Of course, that goes out the window if she can tell the cops who to test.

Then there's a bit of fridge horror after the ending sinks in. Sure, she can identify him, but only if she's alive to report it. It's like all the movies where the bad guy says "You've seen my face. How unfortunate for you." Marvin may not feel like a killer, but faced with a life-ending prison term or getting away with it, he might go a darker direction. The real misstep may well have been Leah's, speaking up as she did.