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[Claire]

Since the forum is closing soon, I'm migrating my stories to Archive Of Our Own (AO3) and Literotica. Read the story here:

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[Vela Nanashi]

Nice descriptions of environment and senses being there, very vivid. A few things make it hard to connect, as can always be the case with second person, when there is a lack of memory to go with references in present thoughts.

Doing something like this on a whim does not resonate with my mind either, but I suppose that can happen, I have seen men that were in the middle of talking about some deep subject get their minds switched off by a hot woman walking past and only when she was out of view and some time after that even did they wake up and start to recover their minds to resume the task, so perhaps this could happen.

Having her struggles feel good for him through his pants though that really makes sense, I think that is what lap dances are about after all at least partially

Ouch at the head butt, that can knock teeth out if done right, assuming your skull has sufficient structural integrity to do it.

Taking off shoes and pants that seems unlikely for a rapist outside, but I like his style and daring there and keeping her under control for that.

Getting fully naked for the rape is definitely unique when not taking her to a place you have prepared first, again style points, but not practical to avoid getting caught.

Also there should be no need to turn her around, even if she has her legs tight together a guy can get his cock into her pussy, it may even feel more tight for him doing it that way. Honestly it is very unfair how easy most men could overcome most women, but that I guess is what nature and evolution made happen.

Showing ones face to a victim is not good, for the victim or yourself, depending what level of asshole you are, and level of cold intellect.

Also I wonder how many men feel these animal impulses, desires, given that most of them keep themselves under control, if most of them feel those impulses and desires that is.

Yeah I luckily can't connect to this person I am seeing the story from, I don't enjoy pain or inflicting it, there needs to be pleasure there too for me, and I suppose it would be more of a victory to my version of him if he made her get aroused and wet and even made her cum for him, but I guess that is even more twisted given what I have heard from survivors of rape, the hardest thing is when they felt pleasure and even had an orgasm from what was happening, just pain would have been so much easier to handle for them.

Ouch. I have actually heard of guys who got their foreskin ripped by a woman who clamped down too hard, of course I don't know if he has foreskin or not, but I assume the head can also take damage from too tight.

"without abandon" I am not sure if that should be "with".

This man is weak willed, but at least not a murderer, so that is good... even if she has a photographic memory of his face she will probably have issues having them find him, unless she somehow knows him or he is a public figure. Though it is still a risk for him.

Anyway I hope my comments are not taken the wrong way, the story is well written, but I was incompatible with the protagonist's mental state, so it failed to connect for me, and that is probably good for my mental health.

Keep on writing good stories

[Blue]

I find the way the story is written interesting. The switching between the perpetrator's perspective and insights into what the victim is doing is good.

I also think what the perpetrator is thinking and feeling at the time is well described.

I can simply overlook some inconsistencies. As @Vela Nanashi already wrote, in a situation like this, hardly a rapist would go to the trouble of completely undressing. You do that when you have the time and are sure you won't be discovered. For example, in a home rape. But not at night in a park, even if it's dark and no one seems to be around.
I also don't quite understand why he turns his victim over to take her from the front. You usually do that if you want to play with the victim's breasts, torment her. But I don't read anything about that.
Most men prefer doggy style to missionary anyway, even during rape. And since he's already lying on her back from behind, it should be easy to spread her legs wide enough for him to penetrate her easily. Certainly easier than it was from the front, where, given her tightness and dryness, he was in real danger of hurting himself.
But please just take this as an attempt at constructive criticism from a man's perspective. Otherwise, you've done a pretty good job of putting yourself in the rapist's shoes, putting yourself in the rapist's shoes, and putting yourself in his thoughts and feelings.
Keep it up!

[Claire]

"without abandon" I am not sure if that should be "with".

Thanks, I corrected that. Somehow that phrase had slipped its way into my mind and has lived their in this wrong form for a long time. I need to check my other writing to see whether I used that anywhere else.

Also, I always enjoy your live commentary style. I get that this story might not have been for you, but I am glad you stuck with it to the end anyway. Oh, and...

This man is weak willed, but at least not a murderer, so that is good

You don't know what happens next. But to be fair, I have no idea either.



@Blue Don't worry, I don't mind the criticism. But if I may give you a bit of feedback here myself: Your comment reads a bit mansplainy to me. I get that the story is not for you because I can see from your own writing that you are more focused on the physicality of the act. And in your comment you presume that what you perceive as "inconsistencies" are mistakes on my part because I don't understand what logistically would be the smart thing to do for this rapist. But these aren't inconsistencies, these are choices I made by design. You can disagree with these choices or not like them, but I didn't make them because I didn't know better but because I believe them to serve the story I am trying to tell. Making the changes you suggest, would rob the story of its point.

The dumb thing about turning her around is not that penetrating her from behind would be easier. The dumb thing about turning her around is first and foremost that she can see his face and second that he enables her to resist more than she could when she was lying on her stomach. The conundrum that he finds himself in at the end that he has to decide between killing her or risk getting reported comes down to that decision to turn her around. It's an incredibly dumb decision for multiple reasons. But the point is, what's driving him is this unfulfilled need for a connection, the desire to matter in her life, even if it is twisted into this ugly form. He wants to be seen and remembered by her, at least on a subconscious level. It is not about the physical pleasure, the physical sensation itself is not pleasurable for him at all but he does it anyway.

Bottom line, I have no problem at all with you or anybody else not liking the story and I also appreciate suggestions for changes. But you could express that in a way that does not imply that I didn't know what I was doing when writing the story. That is the part feels mansplainy.

[Blue]

Hallo Claire, meine. Antwort sollte sicher kein Mansplaining sein. Einfach nur eine Anmerkung aus meiner persönlichen Sicht.
Und ich hatte ja auch geschrieben, dass ich die Story sicherlich interessant finde.

[Mister X]

A very interessting story as the rape comes as a surprise not only for the victim, but also for the rapist. I like the detailed descriptions, even if I think I do not understand everything. The open end gives your readers someting to think about. He is not a murderer? Well, an hour before he was not a rapist...
Thanks for posting the story again! It was a pleasure reading it, even if I knew it before.

[Claire]

I like the detailed descriptions, even if I think I do not understand everything.

Thanks for the kind words! I'm curious, what did you not understand?

[Mister X]

I like the detailed descriptions, even if I think I do not understand everything.

Thanks for the kind words! I'm curious, what did you not understand?

When I first read the text, I thought I understood everything. But when I read your conversation above, I realized how much you have thought about details like the reason for him to turn his victim around. Now I wonder what other hidden hints I might have missed. I thought he were just curirous how she lookes like. He did not plan the rape, he has never done anything like this before, so I thought he just did not think about the consequences of showing his face to her at first.

[Claire]

@Mister X If you're curious, I described here how I planned the story:

/viewtopic.php?p=761#p761

[Mister X]

@Mister X If you're curious, I described here how I planned the story:

/viewtopic.php?p=761#p761

@Thank you very much! That is exactly what I was looking for to understand the story better than before.