It all looked so good at the time

My HF Gallery · Post by **AdmiralPiet** » Wed May 27, 2026 9:09 pm

Teaser: As I step out of the Mercedes GT 63 I notice the turning of several heads. Not because of the car, though I am certain the way my boyfriend drove it here has drawn some annoyed looks. The “La Chapelle” restaurant saw its fair share of trophy wives, but still I manage to stand out whenever we dine here.
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The author of this story has read and accepted the rules for posting stories. They guarantee that the following story depicts none of the themes listed in the Forbidden Content section of the rules.

The following story is a work of fiction meant for entertainment purposes only. It depicts nonconsensual sexual acts between adults. It is in no way meant to be understood as an endorsement of nonconsensual sex in real life. Any similarities of the characters in the story to real people are purely coincidental.
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Title: It all looked so good at the time
Author: AdmiralPiet
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Nothing to say beforehand, see end notes.
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It all looked so good at the time

As I step out of the Mercedes GT 63 I notice the turning of several heads. Not because of the car, though I am certain the way my boyfriend drove it here has drawn some annoyed looks. The “La Chapelle” restaurant saw its fair share of trophy wives, but still I manage to stand out whenever we dine here.

The valet stares straight ahead as he greets me. He has a nervous but warm smile on his face. I had chosen a very expensive dark green suit, with a single button jacket. No blouse, no bra. And only the tiniest thong, but that didn’t concern the young man. He steals a quick glance at my impressive cleavage that I pretend not to notice and turns towards my boyfriend to wish him a good evening.

He barely gets a word out before the keys almost hit him in the face.
“Better be careful with it boy!”
“Of course, Sir!”
I can feel the valets mood drop considerably as he moves to park the car.

I pretend to not notice the way my boyfriend treats service personnel. Or anyone with less money for that matter. It is easiest to just stand by and enjoy the amenities his money brings me. Luxury lifestyle, designer clothes, posh restaurants. As I turn to follow him in I hear laughter. No, not really a laughter. Something alternating between a happy squeal and a snorting pig.

I look across the street and see a young woman and what seems to be her boyfriend. He has a big smile on his face, but seems a bit embarrassed by her fit of laughter. I sound like that sometimes when I laugh. At least I did before I was told that it was unbecoming to act like that in public.

Besides the laughter she is the opposite of me. Baggy clothes, maybe to hide the few extra pounds I can spot, though she seems to be comfortable in her skin. Black hair dishevelled by the wind, unlike my perfectly styled golden mane.

The boy is lanky and has the nerd written all over him. And I can see he is smitten by her every move. Unbidden I am reminded of Marco. Marco, the IT guy, the nerd, the boy scout. Unsure of himself in public, and in bed. Gentle, honest, the most reliable soul I had ever known.
Marco before I left him to hunt bigger game. He had done nothing wrong, but I could not picture a future for myself where I was stuck with someone from middle management IT.

The young couple has all the hallmarks of young love about them, and if I have to wager: There will be sex tonight.
The same will be true for me.

“Whats gotten into you babe?”
I flinch. The car is gone, and I realise I am standing there like an idiot. My boyfriend’s question could be passed of as concern, but I can hear the annoyance in it.
“Nothing. Sorry.”

I want to turn towards the entrance as he hugs me from behind and kisses my neck. A gesture of affection, but also a way to get a quick grope of my tits without other guests noticing. That is his prerogative I guess. He paid for them. The tattoo on my right breast that is hidden from the public says so. “Property of…”

He wants to fuck me. Soon. We will leave the restaurant right after dinner is done and shortly after we will be at home fucking. Wild, steamy, dirty.

He lets go of me and as I follow him I shoot the young couple a last glance. She is still giggling, he is still embarrassed, and as they walk away holding hands I know exactly how it will go once they step through the front door.

He will make love to her.

And I will take cock up my ass and pretend I like it.
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In the last flash fiction tournament I was eliminated after the second round. Lately I thought about what I might have done with the theme had I advanced to the next round.
The theme was "The grass is always greener on the other side" and yesterday I had this idea. Not the best use of the theme, but I thought it better to post this than leaving it in the depths of my harddrive.

I would appreciate any comment and feedback, as always.

Post by **Shocker** » Wed May 27, 2026 9:32 pm

I do like this, the ending hits like a sledgehammer, which is the intended effect. Knowing how much you love building a world, I have to say you very economically use your words hereto set the scene and preparing that blow.

Well done.

Post by **Lucius** » Thu May 28, 2026 6:02 am

Can't help but wonder what the snorting girl is thinking. The story flashes past all too quickly... hence it's a fine flash fic!

AdmiralPiet wrote: Wed May 27, 2026 9:09 pmThe “La Chapelle” restaurant saw its fair share of trophy wives, but still I manage to stand out whenever we dine here.

At least the narrator gets the full gastronomic liturgy first.

Post by **Claire** » Thu May 28, 2026 1:13 pm

This one was a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I have to admit, I didn't care much for the story at first because the narration in the beginning feels too 4th-wall-breaky for me and with the story being so short I didn't know whether it would be able to catch me afterward. But the ending saved it for me. That was a nice punchline you ended on.

When it comes to themes, I would have thought less of "The grass is always greener on the other side" and rather "Be careful what you wish for" for this story. I think that fits better here.

note: "Be careful what you wish for" could make for a nice theme in the next tournament or its own contest.

My HF Gallery · Post by **AdmiralPiet** » Thu May 28, 2026 3:47 pm

Shocker wrote: Wed May 27, 2026 9:32 pm I do like this, the ending hits like a sledgehammer, which is the intended effect. Knowing how much you love building a world, I have to say you very economically use your words hereto set the scene and preparing that blow.

Well done.

Thank you.
I was worried the impact would be too weak, or too obvious. Glad it worked.

Lucius wrote: Thu May 28, 2026 6:02 amCan't help but wonder what the snorting girl is thinking. The story flashes past all too quickly... hence it's a fine flash fic!

Thank you

At least the narrator gets the full gastronomic liturgy first.

Took me way too long to get the liturgy part

Claire wrote: Thu May 28, 2026 1:13 pm This one was a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I have to admit, I didn't care much for the story at first because the narration in the beginning feels too 4th-wall-breaky for me and with the story being so short I didn't know whether it would be able to catch me afterward.

Why is that?
Isn't every 1st-person narrator kinda breaking the fourth wall

Would it have been better or worse if I told it in a past tense?

Really curious to hear your insight on that.

But the ending saved it for me. That was a nice punchline you ended on.

As I said to Shocker: Glad that it worked. Wasn't sure it would.

When it comes to themes, I would have thought less of "The grass is always greener on the other side" and rather "Be careful what you wish for" for this story. I think that fits better here.

To me the saying "The grass is always greener on the other side" was always about never being happy with what you got. I tried to allude to that by having the narrator mention that she couldn't imagine a life as a "commoner", and it stands to reason that she would still be dissatisfied if she could change her current boyfreind to a less wealthy man that treats her right. But it is very weak, and "Be careful what you wish for" would have worked better for this one indeed.

The working (and original) title to this was: All that glitters is not gold
But it didn't sit right with me to have a proverb as the theme, and then use another one as the title.

note: "Be careful what you wish for" could make for a nice theme in the next tournament or its own contest.

Agreed

Post by **VictimEyes** » Thu May 28, 2026 9:08 pm

I love that I came away from this story feeling sympathetic toward the elitist gold-digger !!!

Post by **Claire** » Mon Jun 01, 2026 8:44 am

AdmiralPiet wrote: Thu May 28, 2026 3:47 pm Why is that?
Isn't every 1st-person narrator kinda breaking the fourth wall
Would it have been better or worse if I told it in a past tense?

No, I wouldn't say so.

In general, you can argue that first or third person limited narration never truly reflects in the moment thinking. If that were true, the narrators would get lost in thought and be distracted by all kinds of things all the time. It would be pure chaos. In that sense, all narration is stylized and polished (so is most dialogue btw).

But in first person present tense narration you are as close to genuine in the moment impressions of a character as you can get. A passage like this:

I pretend to not notice the way my boyfriend treats service personnel. Or anyone with less money for that matter. It is easiest to just stand by and enjoy the amenities his money brings me. Luxury lifestyle, designer clothes, posh restaurants.

Feels extremely odd to me from a first present tense narrator. If that was a in the moment realization she was having, it would be fine. But she is repeating here something she already understands about herself. So this sentence essentially announces itself as out of character exposition for the reader.

In a longer story, I probably wouldn't have cared much. Then the odd exposition thoughts would feel a bit out of place, but they wouldn't matter quantitatively in the grand scheme of things. But in flash fiction, they stick out like a sore thumb.

Would past tense have made this better? Yes, somewhat at least. Past tense naturally gives the prose a more reflective quality. Third person limited past tense even more so I would say. A first person past tense narrator who is framed as telling a story to someone would also work well for this kind of thought.

My HF Gallery · Post by **AdmiralPiet** » Mon Jun 01, 2026 3:39 pm

Claire wrote: Mon Jun 01, 2026 8:44 am Feels extremely odd to me from a first present tense narrator. If that was a in the moment realization she was having, it would be fine. But she is repeating here something she already understands about herself. So this sentence essentially announces itself as out of character exposition for the reader.

Ok, that makes sense, and I never really thought about that.
When I started writing I noticed that I switched between present and past-tense and needed to decide on one.
I went with present as it felt more in the moment, but did not consider the exposition part.

I settled on present tense for "Dark Crucible" as well, without thinking. Possibly influenced by the fact that most, or maybe all of Vela's stories are written like that.
But there I will need the exposition. Don't think I can fit everything in dialogue.
Maybe that was a mistake?

A first person past tense narrator who is framed as telling a story to someone would also work well for this kind of thought.

"Call me Ishmael"

Post by **Lucius** » Mon Jun 01, 2026 7:49 pm

AdmiralPiet wrote: Mon Jun 01, 2026 3:39 pm"Call me Ishmael"

Moby-Dick is actually narrated in a very weird way, with the POV slipping into a sort fuzzy omniscience from time to time. Very cool but amazingly difficult to do.

My HF Gallery · Post by **AdmiralPiet** » Mon Jun 01, 2026 7:57 pm

Lucius wrote: Mon Jun 01, 2026 7:49 pmMoby-Dick is actually narrated in a very weird way, with the POV slipping into a sort fuzzy omniscience from time to time. Very cool but amazingly difficult to do.

I know. It has been quite a few years since I read it. (I think I was still in my apprenticeship or even school, about 20 years ago)
My english wasn't as good as it is today, so I did read a german translation.

It was a wild ride.
But at least in the beginning he was the classic narrator that tells others a story.
Just took a look.
Paraphrased:

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago I went on a journey. I do that every now and then when I get moody.

I remember that he at times transformed more into a third-person narrator. And one chapter was written as a screenplay.

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