The Commuter - May/June Community Contest

[AdmiralPiet]

The revenge she takes on them afterward will be fueled by hate and anger. In the moment, she is dignified, fourth generation American aristocracy who will not be diminished by her assailients.

Furthermore, in reality, pain does not = screaming.

Yes, I know that not everyone screams in pain. I can also see people staying cool, even be smartasses if the face of mortal danger.
What I meant was: It felt out of place. You talked a lot about the parking lots, mentioning the speed limit three times, but few things about her, almost no reactions to the abduction, nothing setting her up as this hardass that we then saw.

But that is just my opinion. What is important is how the majority recieves it.

Just one last thing. I missed it on the first comment: Her lab partner. I guess that means laboratory? But she studies law. I can see the math/statistics part, but lab partner?
Or I am missing something here?

[VictimEyes]

@AdmiralPiet

1) I had lab partners for two assigned projects when I took that class.
2) I didn't leave her enough time to even have a reaction. She was face down on the floor in seconds.
3) I don't nit-pick your writing after reading your submissions. We're supposed to be coaching and encouraging each other (The feedback left by Shocker and RapeU was useful).

Make no mistake, I see through your flimsy attempt to disguise an unprovoked and undeserved personal attack on me as a critique of my contest entry. Why? Is it because I, a white woman published a fantasy about black men? Or is it something else?

But that is just my opinion. What matters is how the majority receives it.

[RapeU]

Admin Note: Let's keep the discussion focused on the story itself. Readers are free to offer criticism, and authors are free to disagree with that criticism. However, please avoid speculating about another member's motives. Discuss the points being raised rather than the person raising them.

[Claire]

@VictimEyes Maybe I can mediate a little. I don't think @AdmiralPiet meant anything bad by his posts. I think this is just a bit of a cultural mismatch here. He is, like I am myself, from Germany and, while this might be a stereotype that doesn't apply universally, Germans can be a bit more blunt in a way that comes across as rude to Americans, or a lot of different cultures frankly.

Please trust me when I vouch for him that this was no personal attack from him. I got plenty of comments from him in a similar style and I'm sure he's quite fond of me.

I would also like to point out that his comment most certainly has little to do with the race of the rapists in your story. Racism and discrimination do of course exist in Germany, but compared to the US racism from white people toward black people is not as prominent of a cultural issue here. Discrimination and public discourse around discrimination in Germany is much more focused on anti-arab sentiments (especially toward Turkish people), islamophobia, and of course anti-semitism given our history. So compared to an American reader, who might immediately feel uncomfortable seeing black men depicted as rapists because of the cultural issue that discrimination of Blacks is in the US, German readers are in most cases much less sensitive to that kind of depiction. If your story portrayed a group of Jewish men as evil rapists violating an innocent Christian girl, then that would hit German sensitivities differently.

All of that being said, I'm of course not saying you have to agree with his criticism. I myself find some of his comments sometimes a little nitpicky. But I wanted to assure you that he's not motivated by personal animosity toward you.

[VictimEyes]

@Claire

Stereotypes.

Black people in this country believe that a wildly racist Germany is still trying to avenge Jesse Owens and that they are taking their lives in their hands just by setting foot on German soil !!

I will embrace your endorsement of AdmiralPiet.

[Lucius]

A wild ride of a story indeed. The text is a bit unpolished, but I guess that...

I was tingly all over as I was writing this. It was a struggle to keep my fingers out from under my skirt. I could feel their hands on my breasts and I could feel their penises ejaculating into me as I sat typing. It was a surreal experience.

... editing comes (heh!) later...

[Claire]

@VictimEyes I'm sorry for being a little late, but giving the story another push after the contest is over won't hurt.

I really liked the story, especially the revenge angle of the whole scenario. And I think taking the revenge prompt from the contest to the next level by hinting at the revenge for the revenge was nice.

When the rapists explained their reasons to Hillary, I was kind of hoping she'd reply something along the lines of: "My parents immigrated to the US from France 30 years ago. My ancestors have nothing to do with the US' history of slavery!"

My chaos brain would have liked to see what they would have done then.

I also have to say, compared to other stories I read from you, this felt surprisingly grounded. I don't mean that in either a good or a bad way. I just noticed that you often tend to dial up the crazy a little more. I have kind of started to associate that with your writing similar to how Vela in her fantasy stories often goes all out.

And I'm curious about the formatting choice to start every paragraph with a "-". It's a bit unconventional, but I don't mind some unconventional formatting choices as I myself tend to format dialogue a little differently from what most people do. Is there a particular reason why you format your paragraphs like that?

[over]

Thx for this story.

Sadly it's too detached for me I think. I can't feel any character in it. It's a bit emotionless, mechanical.

I did massively enjoy the accurate descriptions of a college campus and all the little details that I don't know as someone who's never been to a US college. The dialogue at the start of the rape scene was pretty funny. She switched up very fast lol, from "black people are marginalized" to "I will jail every black person that comes across my way" in one single interaction hahah.

Honestly good effort. I enjoyed a few parts but it didn't seduce me. Looking forward to more of your stories to see how your style evolves.

When the rapists explained their reasons to Hillary, I was kind of hoping she'd reply something along the lines of: "My parents immigrated to the US from France 30 years ago. My ancestors have nothing to do with the US' history of slavery!"

My chaos brain would have liked to see what they would have done then.

[VictimEyes]

@Claire , @over ;

Thank you both for your time.

I understand now that I made a mistake by (very loosely) basing this story on real world true events. I made my perpetrators as well as my victim as vanilla (no pun intended) as I did out of respect for the real victim of a real violent crime. I felt like I was supposed to. I felt like some degree of detachment was necessary. I will NOT repeat that mistake. In the future, I will be dialing up the crazy.

I was experiencing a crisis of conscience as I was writing this. I guess I still am.

My apologies to everybody for the bad formatting. The text came up clean on my mobile device so I figured everything was good.

And I'm also looking forward to seeing how my style develops too !!!!!!!

[over]

I made my perpetrators as well as my victim as vanilla (no pun intended) as I did out of respect for the real victim of a real violent crime. I felt like I was supposed to. I felt like some degree of detachment was necessary. I will NOT repeat that mistake. In the future, I will be dialing up the crazy.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure this was the main issue (though some variety in their actions would've added some more interest I guess). At least for my own reading, what I felt I was missing was some emotional depth, like what the characters were feeling, and any thought in their heads.

Like sure, maybe with some more craziness in their minds it would've gone over well

I guess I'm just accustomed to a more intimate storytelling from poisoning my brain with so much dark fantasy erotica.