Record Chaser

[praetor3d]

I'm late to the comment party for this on this site. I did comment on this in RU, and I have no record of what I wrote. I'm curious if I have the same comment after reading the first chapter a 2nd time. I'll be commenting after each chapter, so these comments are strictly for chapter 1.

So...

1) What did I immediately feel after reading this
2) What I love about what I read
3) What would I change in the story to make it perfect (for me)
4) Did I get off on this and why

Chapter 1

1) Ok, this guy is seriously fucked up, right from the get go. What kind of rapist announces so casually that he's rapist. Actually, his announcement almost feels like a clinical diagnosis with all the mentions of medical references here. I actually had to reread the beginning of Stephen King's Misery when I read this chapter, because it just evokes the same, "whoa this person is craaaazy' in the worst kind of way. The setup is so well constructed, lots of opportunity for dialogue, inner thoughts... after all, she's in nothing but a room as her sole environment, there is nothing but words that speak to her ordeal.

Now the question becomes, what's next? He seems like the type who is going to psychologically toy with her, and justify his every move like a serial killer.

2) the slow deliberate reveal oozes with anticipation. The reader is just as lost as Claire, searching for clues and understanding of what's going on. Even Mark's appearance does little to soothe the bearings. The mystery just works and leaves you wanting for more.

3) There's admittedly a lot of word count for my short attention brain. I get that Claire's mind is racing 100 miles per hour, so there's a lot of thoughts thrown at you. And I'm happily consuming it because it's the only way you're going to get to know Claire. But what happens when Mark starts to open up, are we going to get dueling inner thoughts? That might be a little much for me, but we'll see.

4) early prediction, I'm guessing I won't because there's way too much psychological trauma for my liking. I admittedly the type that likes the campy DID aspects of NC, so we'll see.

So question... you're Claire, and she's Claire. Are you putting yourself in her shoes? Is there more to the background with this?

[Claire]

@praetor3d I looked up the comment you wrote back in October, here it is:

I love slow burn stories, the kind where the arousing content is heightened because it is surrounded by lush details... that while seemingly insignificant, they lead to great immersion into the tale.

I do love the initial mystery of Claire's circumstances, and that the guy is so unnervingly calm that it makes him feel so psychotic. I also love the title you gave the story, because it adds to the intrigue.

The only actionable feedback I have is that some of your paragraphs are too long. I always feel like for novels, paragraphs are really no longer that 3 sentences, and the surrounding white space makes things flow better. The first paragraph is just too overwhelming visually, it could stand to be broken up into at least 3 to 4 paragraphs to make it more readable.

Even if this wasn't your first story, this is FANTASTIC content! Please continue as soon as you can, I'm definitely looking forward to your next chapters.

So you see, you were very kind to the freshly hatched Claire on RavishU. And I followed your advice back then and split up some of the paragraphs. I can't even remember anymore where I added those linebreaks.

Ok, this guy is seriously fucked up, right from the get go.

I am so curious what you will think of him after chapter 3. But I like your reaction already. His nonchalant casualness was supposed to make the reader feel exactly what you described.

There's admittedly a lot of word count for my short attention brain. I get that Claire's mind is racing 100 miles per hour, so there's a lot of thoughts thrown at you. And I'm happily consuming it because it's the only way you're going to get to know Claire. But what happens when Mark starts to open up, are we going to get dueling inner thoughts? That might be a little much for me, but we'll see.

Hmm, yeah, I wish I could tell you that your worry is unfounded. But I think chapter 5 might really put you to the test here. We will see.

4) early prediction, I'm guessing I won't because there's way too much psychological trauma for my liking. I admittedly the type that likes the campy DID aspects of NC, so we'll see.

Well, later chapters will be... not less traumatic. But maybe the text will catch you with your pants down nevertheless?

So question... you're Claire, and she's Claire. Are you putting yourself in her shoes? Is there more to the background with this?

I wish I had some great story to tell. I named the protagonist Claire because I thought the name was pretty. And when I registered on RavishU to publish the story I needed a name for my account and I went with the name of the protagonist of my first story... I know, I'm not a very creative person.

[praetor3d]

Chapter 2 feedback

1) What did I immediately feel after reading this
2) What I love about what I read
3) What would I change in the story to make it perfect (for me)
4) Did I get off on this and why

1) hmm... I'm guessing your favorite paragraph is the one right after the chilling "this is what makes it fun" line. My thought process for this is that I think you want your rapists to operate in a grey area, maybe even for us to be sympathetic. So this paragraph is key, seeing their inner monologue to try to justify their actions. Want to guess what my favorite paragraph is?

2) the sudden introduction of 27 minutes introduces another depth of mystery to the story, while also establishing some pacing. It's easy to get embroiled into the inner thoughts and losing all sense of time while reading, so this time introduction is clever.

3) This it totally nitpicking, but the "I Know" and "what makes it fun" sequence, whether right or wrong on my end, the turn of events I think should have occurred at the "what makes it fun". One would think the "makes it fun" would be meant to be sadistic, but the fact he looks away begin the reveal that he's grappling with the ying and yang of pleasure vs empathy tug of war is a very interesting twist. It kind of starts a little too early to me, with her inner thoughts of her perceiving empathy from his "I know" statement. I would think the "I know" being said, would be far more dark and sadistic. then the transition more abrupt and shocking after he says the next thing.

4) I wouldn't. There's just too much character reveal here, too much knowing her through her inner thoughts. The fears seem very real and the psyche too delicate to comprehend the violation about to occur. I'm very much feeling for Claire at this juncture.

[RapeU]

1) What did I immediately feel after reading this
2) What I love about what I read
3) What would I change in the story to make it perfect (for me)
4) Did I get off on this and why

1) Hot damn, the fires of hell are cold compared to this story.

2) Math person!!! And taking a topology course!!! I just got my master's in Education last month, majoring in mathematics. Topology was a hard as hell class. I. Love. This. Character! Did you write it based off of yourself or someone you know? Because you captured the analytical mathematician student mind perfectly.

Philosophical rapist! Mathematics and philosophy can go well together, in a different universe, a different timeline, a different themed board these two characters would be totally perfect for each other and it wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility they wind up married with a family. But in this universe, timeline, and themed board there's only one person who gets what they want. Him. And she understands him, he understands her, and that just creates a character dynamic that you just don't see between a typical rapist and victim. I LOVE THIS!!!!

3) I agree with you the break in the story was needed. Let the reader and the characters catch their breath. I think it would have been better for him to have raped her twice and then have that chapter breather. If you're going to drag everything out - and I hope you do - you have a daunting task ahead of you with eleven (or less if things don't go to plan for Mark like I suspect) more times to detail with something slightly different each time because you don't just want to copy/paste the same thing over again.

4) Oh yeah, hard as a rock. Not in a position right now to be able to fully get off, but damn this was a great way to tease myself. And I likely will fully get off later. Some things exist where you spend 5 minutes or less doing a quickie wham bam and there are stories or other porn perfect for that occasion. Others exist to give you the slow burn, the kind of wank where you want to take your time and hold things in as long as possible. The kind where you could spend an hour or more teasing yourself until you just can't hold it in anymore. This story is perfect for that.

[Claire]

hmm... I'm guessing your favorite paragraph is the one right after the chilling "this is what makes it fun" line

Close, but not quite. But I think that's the same one @chloevee guessed, so maybe you two are onto something. No, it's this one:

Yes, he felt guilty for what he was about to do. But what of it? What better way to drown out the feeling of guilt than to bury his dick in her untouched cunt? He might feel guilty now, he might feel guilty afterward. But he will indulge himself in the pleasure of filling that tight little fun hole between her legs with his cum to his heart’s content. If guilt was the price of admission, then he would make sure that he wasn’t overcharged.

I love the flow of it, the brutality, the whiplash, the escalation and then that poignant final line. But let me guess which one you liked the most. Hmm... you seem to like the cliffhanger at the end of the chapter, but there is no paragraph that stands out to me in the lead up to that moment. I think I really just have to guess, but I'll go with:

For Mark, the moment felt almost intimate. What was she about to say? He had heard women plead with him in the past: ‘Don’t do this!’, ‘Please, stop!’, ‘It hurts!’, ‘Just let me go, I won’t tell anyone', ‘No, not inside!’. But Claire’s attempt to plead with him felt different. It didn’t feel frantic or desperate. It felt like she wanted to believe in something good in him.

I think you might like that one. You seem to appreciate the psychological deep dive for its own sake, not for arousal though. And that paragraph uses all these cliché rape fantasy lines to draw a contrast and give you insight into Mark's head. So I think you might have liked that one.


Regarding your third point: Yeah, I could see that work. My goal was to have a moment of hope in the text that then gets shattered by the "That is what makes it so much fun." finish. But I see what you are getting at, I think. The "I know" can be very scary and how it is interpreted depends very much on how he says it. That is why I lead into it with a igh and describe it immediately after as "defeated". But if he said it gleefully, it would get a totally different spin.

I wouldn't. There's just too much character reveal here, too much knowing her through her inner thoughts. The fears seem very real and the psyche too delicate to comprehend the violation about to occur. I'm very much feeling for Claire at this juncture.

I get it. To me, that is what makes it so hot... But I know that I am the weird one in this case.

[Claire]

1) Hot damn, the fires of hell are cold compared to this story.

I might add that to the reader feedback section in my story collection thread. Thanks, I also think that the story has a brutality to it on a psychological level that repulses me and draws me back to it every time I reread it or work on it.

Math person!!! And taking a topology course!!! I just got my master's in Education last month, majoring in mathematics. Topology was a hard as hell class. I. Love. This. Character! Did you write it based off of yourself or someone you know? Because you captured the analytical mathematician student mind perfectly.

Philosophical rapist! Mathematics and philosophy can go well together, in a different universe, a different timeline, a different themed board these two characters would be totally perfect for each other and it wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility they wind up married with a family. But in this universe, timeline, and themed board there's only one person who gets what they want. Him. And she understands him, he understands her, and that just creates a character dynamic that you just don't see between a typical rapist and victim. I LOVE THIS!!!!

Claire certainly has some elements of myself in her, but that is true for most of my characters. I did not study mathematics but a math adjacent field and I know both from personal experience and from female friends what it's like to be a woman in a field like mathematics.

I'm not so sure whether Mark and her would be a good match under different circumstances. I imagine him to be an incredibly lonely person who has trouble truly connecting with other people. I tried to get that across by having Claire's narration often refer to friends, family, a crush, her personal experience outside of what's happening during the events of the story whereas Mark's internal thoughts solely revolve around himself, his victims and his struggle.

Seeing how much you like the mathematics background of the characters, I should probably translate Späte Genugtuung (Late Satisfaction) for you. It takes place in the same universe at almost the same time. It's a story about a mathematics professor developing an unhealthy obsession for one of his female students. Claire works for this professor and the student is the girl Eleanor that Claire thinks of when she tries to physically resist Mark in chapter 7. Eugene, the guy that Claire gave her number, is also a major character in that story.

If you're going to drag everything out - and I hope you do - you have a daunting task ahead of you with eleven (or less if things don't go to plan for Mark like I suspect) more times to detail with something slightly different each time because you don't just want to copy/paste the same thing over again.

I don't think I can do that without it getting repetitive. My current plan is to end the story with chapter 11, so 4 more to go. But before we get there, I finally need to write chapter 8. It's taken me far too much time to continue this story.

Oh yeah, hard as a rock. Not in a position right now to be able to fully get off, but damn this was a great way to tease myself. And I likely will fully get off later. Some things exist where you spend 5 minutes or less doing a quickie wham bam and there are stories or other porn perfect for that occasion. Others exist to give you the slow burn, the kind of wank where you want to take your time and hold things in as long as possible. The kind where you could spend an hour or more teasing yourself until you just can't hold it in anymore. This story is perfect for that.

I think I can relate to that. When I read the first few chapters, I wonder myself whether I am a bit of a tease.

[Blue]

@Claire
Four more chapters? That means – certainly not just for me – four more waits for interesting sequels.

The story has many interesting aspects. What fascinated me most was that he actually waited until midnight to rape her. I don't think I would have had the patience for that in a situation like that...

[Claire]

@Claire
Four more chapters? That means – certainly not just for me – four more waits for interesting sequels.

The story has many interesting aspects. What fascinated me most was that he actually waited until midnight to rape her. I don't think I would have had the patience for that in a situation like that...

I hope you never will be in that situation. He just desperately needs to maintain his self-image and his methodical, rule based approach is part of that.

Nice to hear that you are looking forward to more. If you enjoy the story, I'd appreciate a rating.

[Lucius]

...
He was still unable to look her in the eye and the way he said it, it wasn’t meant to be a cruel comeback to make fun of her earnest attempt to reach out to him. No, it was an admission of guilt. Behind the nonchalant facade, behind the cynicism was a man who was affected by the pain he inflicted upon his victims. He wished he could be uncaring and cruel, but ultimately he had empathy for his victims. It’s just that... he valued the joy that he gained from raping them more than the empathy he had for them. He hated himself because he wished it was the other way around. It was the simple wish to be normal.
...
-------------------------------------------------------------

Even rereading the chapter now, I still really like it. It contains one of the favorite paragraphs I have ever written in a story. Can you guess which one it is?

The one above, perhaps?

... And as ludicrous as the online discussion of his proposed rules for ethical rape might seem, I actually could see it happen similar to what I described in the chapter. I could definitely see some philosophy YouTube channels have a field day with this, taking the proposal seriously and analyzing it. And then you'd have those people discussing the fine details of that proposal while missing the point that the entire idea is just stupid at its core. To me, that would just be the internet being the internet. But what do you think? Could you see this proposal being discussed like I described or do you think it would just be ignored?

Sure, almost anything and everything is discussed nowadays. Perhaps -- if it's an imageboard -- a cruder kind of discussion.

[Claire]

@Lucius I will quote myself to answer you.

hmm... I'm guessing your favorite paragraph is the one right after the chilling "this is what makes it fun" line

Close, but not quite. But I think that's the same one @chloevee guessed, so maybe you two are onto something. No, it's this one:

Yes, he felt guilty for what he was about to do. But what of it? What better way to drown out the feeling of guilt than to bury his dick in her untouched cunt? He might feel guilty now, he might feel guilty afterward. But he will indulge himself in the pleasure of filling that tight little fun hole between her legs with his cum to his heart’s content. If guilt was the price of admission, then he would make sure that he wasn’t overcharged.

I love the flow of it, the brutality, the whiplash, the escalation and then that poignant final line.