Sorceresses Surprise - Gang Rape Galore

[Vela Nanashi]

Good comment and valid critique

One of my flaws is that I have weird non standard language, also although english is the better language for me, it is also my second one. I always write in a flow state, I have to capture what I sense in my mind, it is not really a carefully thought out or constructed thing, and I never edit as that murders the story for me, but I do spell check while I write, but that is all. I am sure it is not to everyone's taste or many even, just a few perhaps Also in the past I did not even use punctuation, it does not come natural to me, but I try to put some punctuation in these days in sensible places

As for what that snippet said, let me break it down.

I do not remember exactly everything, but I assume he had his fingers in her pussy before rubbing her face with that wetness.

My elves have very sensitive ears, there are massages that give them pleasure, calm or other things and even massages that will bind them to the person doing the massage, a love slave.

He is behind her, and his cock slides down her back, between her butt cheeks and then between her legs, but not into her but past to in front of her, and he lifts her with his huge cock. She ends up putting the weight of her body on his cock with her pussy.

She is slipping and sliding on him so I use slip many times I don't bother finding a thesaurus word to replace every occurrence, and as I said I record what I see as best I can.

The mindflayer makes them into love slaves using his psionic powers, he can edit memories, write new ones, rip them out, they are barely aware most of the time of who they were, just when he shows them. He enjoys making them aware from time to time of what they have lost, and what he has made them into, but most of the time they are what he made them into, not what they were.

The last part was not at all planned, it was just something I saw and wrote down, I do not plan anything in my stories, or very little, perhaps I see some sparks out there in the dark, and I only really know what they are when I get to them, if I do, and often I am not taken along a path I expected, but rather to some completely different place

I am not sure how common it is for people to write the way I do though probably not very common.

Some people can outline a plan they want to follow and then actually write a story that way, any time I outline a path I am utterly unable to write the story after, it is utterly and completely slain, dead, rotting before me.

Anyway thank you for your comment

[AdmiralPiet]

Good comment and valid critique

One of my flaws is that I have weird non standard language, also although english is the better language for me, it is also my second one. I always write in a flow state, I have to capture what I sense in my mind, it is not really a carefully thought out or constructed thing, and I never edit as that murders the story for me, but I do spell check while I write, but that is all. I am sure it is not to everyone's taste or many even, just a few perhaps Also in the past I did not even use punctuation, it does not come natural to me, but I try to put some punctuation in these days in sensible places

Ok. That is interesting, but at the same time a bit sad, because that makes it harder for me to enjoy the story.
I will read into your other entries though.

As for what that snippet said, let me break it down.

I do not remember exactly everything, but I assume he had his fingers in her pussy before rubbing her face with that wetness.

My elves have very sensitive ears, there are massages that give them pleasure, calm or other things and even massages that will bind them to the person doing the massage, a love slave.

That part was clear

He is behind her, and his cock slides down her back, between her butt cheeks and then between her legs, but not into her but past to in front of her, and he lifts her with his huge cock. She ends up putting the weight of her body on his cock with her pussy.

I assumed he was behind her and she kind riding his cock.
What threw me off was the sliding between breasts. Is the Orc cock that huge?

She is slipping and sliding on him so I use slip many times I don't bother finding a thesaurus word to replace every occurrence, and as I said I record what I see as best I can.

The last part was not at all planned, it was just something I saw and wrote down, I do not plan anything in my stories, or very little, perhaps I see some sparks out there in the dark, and I only really know what they are when I get to them, if I do, and often I am not taken along a path I expected, but rather to some completely different place

I am not sure how common it is for people to write the way I do though probably not very common.

Some people can outline a plan they want to follow and then actually write a story that way, any time I outline a path I am utterly unable to write the story after, it is utterly and completely slain, dead, rotting before me.

Then you are the very opposite of me.
I plan perhaps too much, at times I plan and plan without ever creating the thing I planned.

I worked on a snippet not too long ago, and wanted a woman wearing a big pelt mantle.
The story is set in south america. So I was researching the weather in certain areas to find a city where it would be feasible for her to wear such a mantle.

That is perhaps a bit too much thought for a porn story, but improper worldbuilding can at times sour a story for me.

[Vela Nanashi]

Yes some orc cocks are that big and he did that to intimidate her a bit, as she knows even with the ancient protective ritual magic all elves has that will be intense unless he is gentle and orcs are not usually gentle.

As for a consistent world, I do have that, I may not always capture that clearly but my fantasy worlds are places I visit in the dreaming, and can see inside my head when awake. I partially live there you could say

[AdmiralPiet]

@Vela Nanashi
@Claire
@Lucius

I have read all three versions of this story now.
Link to the 3 chapters on AO3

I will comment here as I am not sure you will all see it over on AO3.
If you would like me to comment over there as well, just say so. Don't know if comments help further engagement.

I have to preface that while easier to read now it is still not my type of story.
I am still impressed by Vela's creativity, and there are some fun concepts in there.
My fundamental problem is: It is too wild. Lot's of things happening in quick succession, many hints at a wider world, but never explained. A seemingly limitless magic system.
The red, green, and blue Orcs, along with the red, green and blue Sorceresses...If this were painting and not writing it would be equivalent to having a bucket of colour thrown in your face.

I think for me to enjoy this more it would have to go further than a mere edit. It would have to be a kind of rewrite that follows the same storyline but chnages the prose to loose some stuff and go deeper on others.
For example the magic system: in Vela's world magic is seemingly so natural to the people in it as working with our hands is to us. I am not really a fan of games mechanics used in actual stories, like the "Bag of Holding". Where I to use such a system I would loose myself in thinking about the implications
I do like the idea of the Mindflayer altering the eleves bodies to better suit his needs, but had I written it it wouldn't just be a gesture and "I did it", it would be way more extensive and complicated.
I descibed some more things in my original comment.

This does sound very negative now, but I have to say I did enjoy it enough to read it three times to make this comment.

As for the actual edits:
As I said above: Readability is much improved.
But at times I still struggle with conjouring up the images in my mind in the more complicated scenes. Like: Which tounge is liking what cock through whos portal where?

I had the edits up side by side.
Both are well done, but I think I prefer Lucius' version a bit more.
But that is not an objective statement, more a matter of taste.
You are both very close and I guess if I would compare it section by section the verdict could go either way.

[Vela Nanashi]

I like hearing your commentary, no worries Thank you for taking the time to read my story @AdmiralPiet three times

Thank you for the extremely lovely compliment "too wild" and creative and fun concepts ^.^ and the complaint about my use of a whole rainbow of colours, that is also an amazing compliment for me

Yeah most of my universes in my multiverse are extremely high magic, it does not always mean everyone can do magic, in fact a lot can not, but also that there is very little to limit just how powerful magic can be, three things limit a person when it comes to magic:

1. Innate power or are you able to tap into some other external source, or better yet both?

2. Willpower or can you convince/charm magic that also has a will of its own and is alive to do what you want it to do? This varies by where you are, who you are, and a bunch of other things.

3. What are you able to imagine, how advanced is your vision and creativity.

In no particular order.

If we compare my magic system to others from various games, it is probably closest to psionics, where you have a pool of energy and you have to have a powerful enough mind to make things happen like you want. However I have characters in the setting that use more limited forms of magic, they either can't tap the true magic that exists in the universe as they have been taught wrong and that has limited their minds and imagination. Wizards who believe they must have material components, speak arcane words with conviction and wave patterns in the air to make magic manifest, those things only really help them believe their spell can and should happen and that helps their willpower in that moment. Clerics who take a round about way they worship some divine being who takes their offered worship energy and gives them spells in return, and since said divine entity likely has extreme willpower they can cast the same spell using less energy to make it happen, most of them however take more energy for the spell than they need as they are either greedy or annoyed at mortals disturbing them all the time with requests for spells.

In my scifi settings technology is also usually extremely advanced, and I often have both fantasy and scifi settings mingle in the same universe.

The wider world exists, but I will not waste time and words on that if I am limited to a word count below 50k and even then I am not going to have a character go "oh you know we have a king and our political system is this and blah blah blah" instead you have to infer what the world is about when the characters interact with it, I have no responsibility at all to elucidate the world for my readers, what I want them to enjoy is seeing the world from one or more point of view characters, and I try really hard to not have characters think too much about things they know already in great detail to the point it is like a reflex to them. Like do you think about how you use a bike when you ride it? I am sure if I was in the mood for it I could explain a bike and using it for tens of thousands of words, but am I going to do that? No, and I will treat magic and technology the same most of the time

I will also use well known short hands to explain concepts that some readers will know about and that those who don't know can find out by seeking it out, like in the case with the bag of holding, or my more normal thing the ring of holding that is more advanced and better in every way. There is no real reason to obscure what it is more, it would take more words than just bag of holding Sure yes people know that thing from game systems, tabletop rpgs, it is also called other things in other places, like hammer space, or time lord science/tardis/bigger on the inside It makes sense to use these shorthands especially when you only have 5k words to work with

The mind flayer making alterations to bodies is something that is in the low magic setting dungeons and dragons 3.5, easy to do in 6 seconds, you can even change a person into a rock, or bunny or toad in that amount of time, also other settings like vampire the masquerade you can also do such flesh crafting in a short time, and those settings are low magic as well. In my high magic setting doing some flesh crafting and making some portal pairs that follow a body is easy for a being as powerful as this mind flayer, now not all mind flayers are as powerful as this one, also not as perverted.

Still I suppose in WH40k fucking up someones body this way takes a lot longer? and in the real world these things are just plain impossible to do I have to confess I am not well versed in WH40k, but I am sure I am some sort of chaos goddess in that setting

Now as for the edits they definitely are more readable, I love that @Claire and @Lucius made them, they really did not have to, but I loved them. Also if you want to take the parts you like from my story and use them in your own or if you want to make an edit of your own, I would like that and not mind it

I am however utterly incapable of writing a low magic very grey story with low chaos and low variations that moves slow that is not the nature of my multiverse and mind, and is what I very much want to escape, as I have it in this world we all live within

[Vela Nanashi]

Oh and I forgot to say I would love to see you post this comment on Ao3 as well if you feel like it, and I will repost my comment too you don't have to of course.

[Lucius]

As for the actual edits:
As I said above: Readability is much improved.
But at times I still struggle with conjouring up the images in my mind in the more complicated scenes. Like: Which tounge is liking what cock through whos portal where?

I daresay the editors encountered the same obstacles.

I had the edits up side by side.
Both are well done, but I think I prefer Lucius' version a bit more.
But that is not an objective statement, more a matter of taste.
You are both very close and I guess if I would compare it section by section the verdict could go either way.

Yyeah, I'm the first to say that @Claire did certain story elements better. We approached the story a bit differently; I treated the text a bit rougher, trying to convey the meaning sometimes instead of just clarifying the phrase.

[AdmiralPiet]

Thank you for the extremely lovely compliment "too wild" and creative and fun concepts ^.^ and the complaint about my use of a whole rainbow of colours, that is also an amazing compliment for me

Yeah most of my universes in my multiverse are extremely high magic, it does not always mean everyone can do magic, in fact a lot can not, but also that there is very little to limit just how powerful magic can be, three things limit a person when it comes to magic:

Already at that point I would loose myself in implications. What use is armour for a warrior if any sorceress kann just cook you and your whole battallion inside of it with a hand gesture?
But then again: Maybe you meet someone who also does not have magic. Is it possible to defend against magic with trinkets? How complicated is that? Can everyone get at least some magical defence?
Questions over questions.

I don't know if I have mentioned this already, but it reminds me of a idea by artist DrGraevling: He had the idea of a world where magic is linked to sexuality. Normal armour is more or less useless due to extensive magic use, but the bikini armour is becoming highly effective. Since magic and sexuality are linked you have to feel sexy for effective use.
Maybe that could be tha base for a story...

The wider world exists, but I will not waste time and words on that if I am limited to a word count below 50k and even then I am not going to have a character go "oh you know we have a king and our political system is this and blah blah blah" instead you have to infer what the world is about when the characters interact with it, I have no responsibility at all to elucidate the world for my readers, what I want them to enjoy is seeing the world from one or more point of view characters, and I try really hard to not have characters think too much about things they know already in great detail to the point it is like a reflex to them. Like do you think about how you use a bike when you ride it? I am sure if I was in the mood for it I could explain a bike and using it for tens of thousands of words, but am I going to do that? No, and I will treat magic and technology the same most of the time

I will say experiencing the world through the characters is superior to the exposition dump.
And I would not even want to delve so deep as technological backgrounds or political systems.
Maybe it would be different if I was familiar with D&D. But as it is I know almost nothing.

The sorceresses wanted to do some ritual. What kind? What for?
Orcs. Ok, I know orks. From the text I can gather that they are of the hypermasculine (big cock) variety, not the Tolkien-Orks. But blue, green, red? They seem to be very distinct, at least in taste of their cum.
Slave markets are mentioned. But where?
People from the surface. We are underground since when?

I know there is a world around all this but it is just a spotlight iluminating the actor, the rest of the stage and the scenery are not iluminated even a little bit.

I will also use well known short hands to explain concepts that some readers will know about and that those who don't know can find out by seeking it out, like in the case with the bag of holding, or my more normal thing the ring of holding that is more advanced and better in every way. There is no real reason to obscure what it is more, it would take more words than just bag of holding Sure yes people know that thing from game systems, tabletop rpgs, it is also called other things in other places, like hammer space, or time lord science/tardis/bigger on the inside It makes sense to use these shorthands especially when you only have 5k words to work with

The "Bag of holding" wasn't one of the things I needed explained actually.
That was pretty clear, and a reader does not neccessarily need more details than that it works, and that it is magic.

In Honor Harrington I don't expect a tech-log for the artificial gravity. David Weber did explain some details of the system, but as a reader I initially only need the info that artificial gravity exists.
In Nights Dawn the author had to do a bit more in teh beginning to explain why the Edenites do have artificial gravity, while the Adamists don't.
His neural nanonics where just there like the bag of holding, and the reader had to figure out what it was, and what it could do along the way.
These are only examples, and these books heaped a ton of exposition upon the reader.

But when I say I want to know more about the world it is not a detailed description of everything, but just a feeling or hints where I am.

For the Warhammer story I am planing atm I thought about entering a section with a short mention of the place (lifted that idea from the Dark Heresy Books)

Year 726.M41
Hive World of Tolmanghast

Tolmanghast, high orbit
Emperor-class Battleship "Righteous Retribution"

This gives the reader almost nothing, but provides an anchor for my imagination. It conjures up some blury images, that will get clearer as the story progresses.
Just the mentioning of a city name could do that.

The mind flayer making alterations to bodies is something that is in the low magic setting dungeons and dragons 3.5, easy to do in 6 seconds, you can even change a person into a rock, or bunny or toad in that amount of time, also other settings like vampire the masquerade you can also do such flesh crafting in a short time, and those settings are low magic as well. In my high magic setting doing some flesh crafting and making some portal pairs that follow a body is easy for a being as powerful as this mind flayer, now not all mind flayers are as powerful as this one, also not as perverted.

I am not a fan of those systems. Not for logic implications or some such, but a matter of style.
While I played Warcraft III back in the day I found it very jarring that some mages could change enemies into a sheep. Such a spell does not only change the shape of the opject, if you think about it: It needt to rewrite the DNA of the target.

Still I suppose in WH40k fucking up someones body this way takes a lot longer? and in the real world these things are just plain impossible to do I have to confess I am not well versed in WH40k, but I am sure I am some sort of chaos goddess in that setting

Well, yes and no.
There are mutations/transformations that happen pretty fast. Like some guy getting possessed by a daemon, growing, muscles, wings, horns, a tail, fusing with his armour.
But there you could argue that behind these stands the reality altering power of the warp, and the cosmic intelligence of the chaos gods.

Maybe it is an issue of not understanding what kind of being a mindflayer is.
A godlike being with a mind that thinks in more dimensions than a human altering reality is easier to accept than a mind grounded in reality doing such a thing. Because such body alterations are not just like flipping a switch. Even in a fantasy setting there have to be a multitude of things happening inside the body. What kind of mind can think of all these in a matter of seconds?
Much easier to accept elemental spells like fireballs and lightning.

Maybe there is something in between? The mindflayer merely imagines what he wants in the end, and the cosmic power he taps into actually does the 5D-thinking-process?
If that is the case, I would have an easier time with it.

What did happen in Warhammer that comes to mind: A chaos lord known only as "The Warsmith" punished an underling by breating a corupting miasma into his face. But that did not trigger a very specific alteration, but let the guy go into a wild series of mutations that rendered him down to a ever changing helpless lump of flesh.

I am sure some authors did do specific mutations with a handwave, but where I to write it: Either a sorcerer that uses a ritual that is somewhat more elaborate. Or a Dark Mechanicus heretec using technology (warp sorcery and technology kinda melt into each other with those guys)

Also if you want to take the parts you like from my story and use them in your own or if you want to make an edit of your own, I would like that and not mind it

It crossed my mind.
But a mere readability edit was already done twice, I don't think another would add anything of value.
And I am not sure if I could move in your world using my kind of writing. But it might be an interesting challenge...

I am however utterly incapable of writing a low magic very grey story with low chaos and low variations that moves slow that is not the nature of my multiverse and mind, and is what I very much want to escape, as I have it in this world we all live within

You do you. At the end of day you need to have fun doing it.

I daresay the editors encountered the same obstacles.

Glad I am not alone

[Vela Nanashi]

The mindflayer is a creature from eldritch places, in wh40k that would be similar to the warp also permanent shape change is a high level spell, most magical beings do not have that, same for portals, and most warriors will face warriors not mages, there is magic armour too and anti magic as was shown in this story, the sorceresses quickly got defeated by the anti magic, had the orcs not had that they would have been slaughtered by the sorceresses

I was vague in this story about where the sorcs were going and ended up, but the planar conjunction nexus is a floating platform deep underground and kind of partially existing in many planes at once, there are ways to get there on foot like the orcs used. The ritual they wanted to perform was one to channel planar energies through themselves and to their sorceress towers to become more powerful and be able to use as a resource to help the overworld with many miraculous things. Like magic to help fertility of animals and plants and people and improve health too. As for the orcs think urukhai from lotr, but the red and green ones have slightly less ugly looks and are not cannibals the blue ones are, the greens may keep slaves longer, the red ones may keep slaves but go out of their way to find the elven village and trade the elven slaves for food and other goods. But there was not really much time to write such details into this story so I could only hint at blue orcs scary and later that they remembered shape, scent and taste of red orc cocks, so obviously red orcs are even lovers, and protectors. Also magic is self aware and has a will and can help casters do things, or hinder them. More later

[sinfulwords]

Yoooooo! I thought the first story of yours I read, Tariq the Fool, was a trip, but this one is like an acid trip on steroids I’m absolutely stunned by the sheer creativity.

There are several things I like about this fantasy. One: I’m a monster porn fan myself ^.^ love me some orcs, or goblins, vampires, wolves, tentacles whatever! So u tickled my fancy there for sure!

I also liked how you had two species of orcs too, the red and the blue ones…..kinda reminded me of south Compton LA a bit, ngl jkjkjk hood humor, I digress. It’s always interesting to see when people construct culture into the fantasies and ethnicities they create. I love little minutia like that ^.^

The elves were obviously cool too! Can’t go wrong with some beautifully elegant elves ripped of all their splendor and forced into sex-servitude you already know I be fucking with that concept master/slave, so u ticked another box for me.

I’m digging this mindflayer character! He was sexy af’ I’m trying to have him erase my memories and make me his mindless sex breeding slave! Where I sign up at morrita?

The breeding stuff was hella hot! I just love forced breeding! Something so perfectly degrading about it and the fact u added the extra cherry on top of all the ladies being forced to carry abominations?! Ingenious!!! Not to mention they were mind-flayed into celebrating their own subjugation through the magic. The urges you described the mindflayer planting in their bodies and minds. That was hot too

The portals were wild work I ain’t gonna front! That’s some A1 creativity right there. I almost didn’t know what to make of it at first I thought I was reading it wrong when u first said the portals were beneath their teeth but naw! It was just something I’ve deadass never ever seen before. Probably won’t see it again outside of your work

Anyway, super interesting read! Kudos to u! This is honestly one of the most creative pieces I’ve ever read.